A Day That Changed My Life
Leslie recently posted about certain days that changed her life. We all have them. I have had many (since I am getting up there he he he) but the one that is haunting me tonight is about M-Boy. Tomorrow I will be at the hopital with my son. Hopefully it will not take all day but one never knows. He is getting an EEG. These are harmless but tedious. Wires have to be "glued" to his head to measure brain waves. Basically we want to see if his seizures have returned and at what capacity. It really is a very imprecise test and the success rate of catching a measurable seizure is 50/50.
When M-Boy was 2, things started changing in our world. He stopped talking a few months earlier, he acted weird and never smiled or laughed anymore. One day I saw him roll his eyes and shake. Then Mr. Daphnewood who was taking a whole lot of biology classes saw M-boy's eyes flicker. He said we should take him to the doctor. I asked why since M-boy did that all the time. He said "that is a seizure. not all seizures are people flopping on the ground". I got a little upset. We had his first EEG a few days later. It came back moderate which meant a bunch of meds for M-boy and another appointment for an MRI to make sure there were no "lesions" on his brain.
I took M-Boy to the hospital and they dressed him in soft green pajamas. He had an IV hooked to his arm and I could see his diaper sticking out above the waistband of his pj's. They wheeled him away from me on a gurney and at that point I realized, my kid could die. When you become a parent you think that nothing really bad will ever happen to your child. You know and expect broken bones, chicken pox and fights at school. Getting wheeled away on a gurney with tubes stuck through them never once crossed my mind. M-Boy was fragile. How did I never notice this? How could this happen when I was taking good care of him? I fed him balanced meals; I read to him at night; I bathed him daily and got him his immunizations on time.
Thankfully M-Boy had no tumor or lesion on his brain. But here we are 11 years later still going to the hospital getting "tests". Each time makes me fear for him. I will never get over seeing him in that fragile state. To me, he is still 2 years old wearing hospital issued pajamas while we wait, hoping the news will be good.
posted by Daphnewood @ 6:46 PM
7 comments
7 Comments:
Oh Daphne, that was so beautiful, so real. And you gave me such a raw, honest glimpse into what it's really like being a mother. For the first time in a long time, I can see where my mother is coming from. I am, after all, MY mother's M-boy...the child who has been endlessly sick with SOMETHING since 2. So it is touches my heart to be able to see the other side.
You're a damn good mother, Daph, you really are.
**hugs and prayers**
sending u a net hug mom (((hugs)))
Best of luck always with your darling boy. Treasure him-he is your angel. I grew up with 4 deaf sisters--there were 7 of us girls altogether--and no boys--and I do not know how my parents managed, but somehow we all did and my sisters lead very productive lives. ((Hugs))
As A parent, I have been sucker punched by reality a few times, but it has never been anything permanent "Mr Warren this is the police...." or "Mr Warren, this is Harborview Hospital". Your head goes autimatically to the worst possible conclusion of that introductory sentence. When it turns out to be something other than the baddest thing you can imagine, it is such a relief that you want to hug them and strangle the shit out of them at the same time.
Best of luck!
Is M epileptic?
When we were studying chaos theory in physics class, we were watching a video about it. One person on the video was a doctor who explained that a person having an epileptic seizure has brain waves that follow a wave pattern- normal brain waves don't follow a pattern; they are chaotic.
That was interesting to me because intuitively I would have expected the opposite.
omg.
life is a struggle isn't it?
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